For His Glory

For anyone who may be reading this blog, I promise, I won't always be talking about the past.  I will focus on the adoption, but this is how it started.  This is part of our journey.  Trust me, I'm leaving a lot out.  I don't want to be melodramatic, but it's not realistic (or even fair to others who have lost a baby) for me to act like I had a miscarriage and then God led us to adoption and everything is just peachy!

Life is tough at times, but God is good all the time!  We live in a fallen world, but we serve a risen Savior.  This week is filled with memories for me.  As I approach our son's birth and death day, I am allowing myself to grieve.  It hurts, but I know that God is working all things together for good.  (Romans 8:28)  I do not grieve as one who has no hope.  (I Thessalonians 4:13)  I know I will hold our firstborn son one day.

The day that I went into labor, I had studied Psalm 125 with the help of Beth Moore's Stepping Up: a journey through the Psalms of Ascent.  Here's a quote that stuck out to me, "Like the mountains surrounding Jerusalem, God is ever surrounding us.  He sees and sifts every life experience that could touch His child.  Nothing can break His grip."  As I went through the whole experience, that thought from Psalm 125:2 stuck with me.  I knew this couldn't have gotten to me without going through God first.

I was amazed at how God's Word and His people ministered to me and my family during our dark days.

After our miscarriage, it seemed verses about having sons kept coming up in my devotions.  I wasn't searching for those verses - they were in the studies I was doing.  I felt God was promising us a son, but I felt challenged in my reasons for wanting a son.  Did I really want a son for God's glory, or was it mainly to pass on my husband's name and family line?  I do NOT believe God was punishing me or that there's anything wrong with wanting to pass on my husband's name.  I do believe my ultimate goal for everything in my life should be God's glory!

Here's part of my journal from November 26th, 2008.
Tonight my mom talked about some KMBC students picketing an abortion clinic. She said there were like 18 girls that went in between around 6:00 and 9:00 AM. I said I couldn’t have done it. I said I would have been begging the girls to let me raise their baby.  Later it began to sink in that God may give us a son through adoption. That could be surrendering our family line and yet rearing a son for God’s glory.
“It’s all about You, Jesus. It’s all about You, for Your glory and Your fame. It’s not about me, as if You should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your way.”

I did NOT tell Brad about this journal entry that night.  In fact, I didn't tell him for several months, but I'll save that for another post.