Our Journey: Not what I planned

Around the time of our ultrasound, I began to realize I was dealing with some mild depression and decided to fight it. I began trying to eat things that would help me and to exercise. I did some fun things with friends - including 4-wheeling for the first time in years! It was fun!!!

A little over a week after the ultrasound, I began to feel what I assumed were Braxton Hicks contractions. I read a little and it seemed like there was nothing to worry about. When after hours the mild pains didn't quit and became very regular, I called the Doctor. He said they were probably just muscle spasms. He recommended I take a bath and lie down, but soon my water broke.

To make a long story short, my mom came to take care of our girls and we rushed to the hospital. At 1:16 AM, the doctor delivered a perfect little boy. He was 8 inches long and weighed 6 ounces. Since I was only 17 ½ weeks along, he died immediately. We named him Kenaniah -- taken from I Chronicles 15:22 after the song leader. He is now singing in heaven.

The days that followed were filled with grief, confusion, questions, self-blame, etc... We went back to get him a few days later and buried him. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. But, I have learned so much and grown a lot during these days. I've experienced God's love in ways I never had before. I've drawn closer to Him and have become a more compassionate person. I never would have planned things to go this way, but I wouldn't trade what I've learned!!

It's still not easy, but it's not as hard as it was.. We have done several things in his memory. We will never forget our firstborn son, but I know that God is bringing beauty from our ashes.

If we hadn't lost our son, I don't know if I would have ever pursued adoption. I kind of thought it was for people who couldn't have children or who had plenty of money. How wrong I was, but I'll save that for another post.